Whole Again
by yue kato
Summary: 1x2. Slash. Duo slides into depression after breaking up with Heero.


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Whole Again

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yue kato

260501

*beep of incoming call*

"Hello, Chang Wufei speaking."

*crackle of static*

*flicker of image onto screen*

"Wufei?"

"Yes?"

"Remember that nervous breakdown I was always blabbing about back during the war?"

"Max—"

"I think I'm having it now."

"Maxwell? Duo? Duo!"

***

__

[If you see me walking down the street 

Staring at the sky and dragging my two feet

You just pass me by

You don't miss me cry]

I slowly trudge by the next row of buildings, the single light blue block of apartments in the distance my sole purpose. /Just bear with it, Duo. It's only three more blocks. You can take it…/

I step off the road, not pausing to check for oncoming traffic. They can knock me down for all I care. But it's just my luck. The road is empty. Not a single bloody vehicle in sight.

Forcing myself to move a little faster, I pull my cap a little lower over my forehead, in the hopes that it will block out more of the view, leaving me with only a narrow tunnel of vision leading from here to Wufei's apartment.

It's not the brightest of ideas: kicking me out of the apartment to get some fresh air, because "it's not healthy for you to rot in that stinking room any longer, Maxwell," but Wufei was at the end of his patience. He snapped this morning and dragged me out of his guest bedroom, where I've been spending the past two weeks, lying on the bed and staring at the television as it aired re-runs of ancient American cartoons.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with leading this sort of lifestyle at the moment. I just wish Wufei would leave me be to wallow and mope in my pit of self-pity and depression. After all, isn't a guy entitled to having low spirits if he's just broken up with his boyfriend?

But he was more than that. Just a boyfriend. At the risk of sounding like a hopeless, sentimental, sappy romantic, he's the greatest love of my life, my soul mate, best friend, the *ONE*. When I look at it that way, I start to wonder if I shouldn't be doing something more drastic to justify his departure.

I thought I was already beginning to achieve some semblance of balance again, just vegetating to the inane sounds of the Cartoon Network. Even if I didn't think I could feel remotely happy anymore, at least the cutting, sawing, crushing pain seems to have receded for the moment. I was quite numb, sort of just… in mental existence, hanging in limbo, with my neurons firing just enough to keep my bodily functions in operation, but a few zaps short of thought generation. And I would really like to state for the account that it was NOT easy to attain.

Wufei trashed all that, blowing fourteen entire days of painstaking alcoholic preparation and hard work down the drain when he evicted me from the apartment.

At first, I just shuffle blindly in a daze, not noticing where I'm going, until I end up in a park. It's a beautiful day, I hate to say it, and I hate the fact of it, but it's a beautiful day.

We're nearing the end of fall, and the weather is generally miserable, which befits my mood just fine. The thought of others feeling lousy as well strikes a chord in the depths of my sick, twisted soul.

But today, the day I'm forced to return among the living again, the weather clears up. The sun shines through a few wispy clouds drifting lazily in the sky. It's cool, but I don't really need jacket after getting warmed up from all the walking. The breeze caresses my face gently and the park is… magnificent. The tall, stately rows of trees stand like pillars, crowned in golden glory. 

It reminds me of the day a few weeks after the Marimeia showdown, when we were right here, just taking a stroll and relaxing. Then, as the breeze strengthened, catching up the leaves to swirl them about in nature's random dance, he stopped, took my hand, stared straight into my soul, and asked to spend the rest of our lives together.

I've read and heard about it a million times before. And maybe I even do believe it, when I've had a really fantastic day, but all the words and descriptions don't do the emotions, the feelings justice. In that instant, something clicked. I felt complete… whole, in a way I've never felt before or after that, ever again.

Never again, because this is real life, so what do you expect? It sucks, always has, always will. I've never truly been able to believe in the "forever-after". It seems too spectacular a myth. And perhaps that's why the infidel is now being punished for his faithlessness. 

I glance up again from my feet to see how much farther I have to go. Wufei should be at least temporarily placated, he's got me out of the room into the tortures of the real world. He can't bug me again for another two weeks.

The glance causes me to accidentally glimpse the deep, fathomless blue of the sky. It is so deeply intense, so… endless. Ever since I've been on Earth, I've spent countless moments gazing up at it, trying to dive into it, reach into it, to discover what lies beyond that beautiful, perpetually unchanging exterior. My heart catches, and suddenly its hard to breathe. Too close, Duo, too close. Too close, too reminiscent of what it is I feel for him.

Just the final stretch now, but it's the worst. I don't know what on earth made me choose this route to take. I've never thought of myself as the masochistic type. I steel myself and swiftly stride past our apartment, HIS apartment. I don't think I can ever come back to it. Not after all that has happened.

I'm approaching the doorway, about to make it home free, when I suddenly hear familiar footsteps coming down the stairs. Oh, god!

Panicked, I duck behind a pillar. But then, my treacherous heart takes over and I peek out, just in time to see the back of a dark, tousled head disappear around the corner.

I slide down to the ground, wishing I could cry. It would make it better, wouldn't it? It's cathartic, I heard. Once you've vented all that anger, frustration, despair, pain… once you've cried it all out, raging to the high heavens, then you can move on… right?

Only a single tear trickles down from my burning eyes.

__

[But you could make me whole again]

***

__

[And if you see me with another man

Laughing and joking, making the best of this I can

I'm trying to put you down

Baby I still want you around]

"Look, Wu-man. What I'm trying to say here is, just give those poor animals a chance. I mean, I'm sure they feel hurt and neglected because you ignore them so much." I tag along after Wufei as he strides along the supermarket aisles, briskly removing items off the shelf in the efficient way he does everything, so sure, so confident, so DEPENDABLE.

Sometimes I wish I had fallen in love with him instead. It would have been sweet, I know it. Chang Wufei is a very loyal man, and devoted in his affections. Once you're in his heart, there'll be a special place for you there always. The tiny altar in one corner of the lounge where he offers incense to his dead wife everyday is testimony of it. Maybe it wouldn't have been as fiery, as passionate, or as exciting as it was with him, but ultimately, we would still have been together. And I would have been safe in his love, even if it would never bestow me that feeling of completion.

But that's that. Musings aside, I treasure him as a friend way too much to just use him for the rebound, even if he swings that way. Which is why I've made myself come out of the meaningless stink hole of an existence I've been leading, and try and participate in daily reality again. I don't want him to worry over me so much. I can sense it, even if he hides in under brusque words and seeming indifference. The strain is getting to him. So I'm picking myself up, and trying to pretend to be human again.

It's enough that he's ruined my life. I'm not going to let him indirectly hurt someone else through me as well.

"Can't we even get just a LITTLE meat?" I wheedle.

"Maxwell, for the last time, it is my own personal choice, made by the freedom as is my right as a human being, to be a vegetarian. I have my reasons, and it is between me, my faith, traditions and culture." He paused for a moment as he critically surveyed the packs of tofu in the freezer before finally selecting one. "I'm not trying to make you one as well, but for as long as you intend to remain under my roof, you will respect my ways, and stay, in your own words, a 'herbivore'." He glances over his shoulder at me as he heads towards the checkout counter to pay for his purchases. "Besides, as they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do."

I heave a tiny sigh, muttering, "But you're not a Roman," before moving forward to help him carry some of the groceries as we step out of the supermarket, leisurely making our way home. Walking down these familiar streets, seeing the same old cracks in the pavement, my heart twists a little. With somebody beside me, carrying our bags of shopping home together, simply enjoying the feeling of doing something so ordinary, makes it all too similar to the mundane times I cherished with him. Too short, and too precious.

I can sense Wufei observing me surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye, concerned yet trying not to show it.

"I'm fine, Wu… Really… Just… thinking."

"Of him?"

"More of what we did together. It was too little…" I trail off for a while, immersed in my own thoughts.

"Duo?" A hand falls on my shoulder, and I flinch reflexively, jumping away. "Duo, are you okay?"

I raise a hand to stall his questions, drawing in deep breaths to calm myself. I can still feel the blood pounding through my veins, sending the adrenaline to all parts of my body. "I'm alright. You scared me, that's all." I start walking again, working to keep the tremble out of my voice. "I was thinking, and you caught me unawares. Really, I'm fine."

I smile, picking up the pace to reassure him I'm perfectly okay. But he doesn't seem to completely believe me. There's something in his gaze behind that concern and worry that I can't figure out. Something more intense, more restless. Then he shrugs and carries on walking as well.

"It feels like there was too few of them, you know?"

"Too few of what, Duo?" There's an edge to his tone, and I almost don't want to reply.

"The good memories. There doesn't seem to be enough."

We continue on a moment in silence, then his arm comes up again, to wrap around my shoulders, wordlessly offering the support that I gladly take.

"Duo… I…" he begins haltingly. "I know it hurts, but…" He hesitates again, unsure of how to navigate in this hazardous territory of the emotional. "It must be very hard, but you can't let it keep affecting you." I can hear the awkwardness in his voice, of not really knowing what to say, yet hoping against hope that whatever comes out will be right.

His arm around me tightens as he goes on. "He's out of your life now. And I'm not saying you should forget about him. But you have to let it go." He pauses, stopping to draw me in front of him so we're face to face. "Duo, you have to move on with your life."

I can sense it again, that something more that was in his eyes just now. It feels explosive, roiling, banked only by his will, but seething below the surface, repressed.

It makes me uneasy, so I push it away, not wanting to analyse it. "Aa, I hear what you're saying, Wufei," I answer softly. "It's just… you know?"

Wufei sighs, his hand squeezing my shoulder slightly. "Yes, I know. Come on, let's go home."

I nod, not feeling up to speech at the moment, and we continue the rest of the way in silence.

/It's just… I miss you…/

[Cause you can make me whole again]

***

__

[Looking back on when we first met

Can't escape and I cannot forget

Baby you're the one

You still turn me on]

Wufei's putting away all the stuff we bought in the kitchen, and I'm back in my room, lying on the bed. Just remembering. I can't help it. Once one little chink of a memory breaks through, the walls get battered down, and everything rushes in.

Like how I shot him the first time I saw him. I've always thought that would be a really cool story to tell the kids, if we ever had any. Novel, too. "Do you know that Daddy first met Tou-chan, he tried to kill him?"

And like when he stole Deathscythe's parts to complete his mission. I hated him then – I was so angry. Angry at his single-minded dedication to the mission. Hating him for being able to leave without a backward glance.

The days we spent hopping from one school to another. Days of tension and danger. Days of confusion and longing. Days of excitement and pleasure, violence and hurt. 

Nights when he brought me to the peaks of ecstasy and beyond. Nights when he just held me as the nightmares descended, sheltering me from the demons at bay.

__

[You can make me whole again]

***

__

[Time is laying heavy on my heart

Seems I've got too much of it since we've been apart

My friends make me smile

If only for a short while]

"Saa, I'm full already. Great meal, Wu-chan."

"Yes, great enough that your plate is still half-full," comes the dry retort.

"Like I told you, if you had given the poor guy some meat…" I try to joke, but it emerges lamely.

Leaving it at that, I move from the table to the window seat, feeling Wufei's eyes follow me, boring into my back. I ignore him, staring out of the window at the darkening sky as it glides along the spectrum from fiery oranges and red into the violet-indigo of twilight.

After a while, he quietly gathers up the dishes and brings them to the kitchen. I know I should help him clean up, but I just don't feel like moving now. On some days, as the evening moves into dusk, the sky turns this dark, dark blue that is the exact shade of his eyes.

The beeping of the comm. Unit distracts me from my sky gazing.

"Duo, could you get that? My hands are dirty!" Wufei's voice floats from the kitchen.

"Sure, Wufei." I push myself to my feet to answer the call.

Quatre's clear blue eyes gaze back into mine as I switch on the communication channels. "Duo! How are you?"

"Oh, Quat, it's you." I summon up a smile. "I'm fine. Just had dinner with Wu-man. How about you?"

"I'm well, Duo. Busy, but I like it that way."

"Yeah, don't I know it. You've never been a slacker, Q-man. Not like me." I chuckle deprecatingly.

"Don't put yourself down, Duo. We're all different. You like to live life at your own pace. Admit it, you'd hate my job if you had to do it."

I can't help but laugh a little at Quatre's frankness. "Yes, I guess you're right." Looking a little closer, I find that Quatre's eyes seem to have grown misty. "Hey, Q, you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, Duo. I'm just glad to see your spirits up again. I haven't heard you laugh for so long. I really missed it."

"Oh, Quatre." His concern warms me, even though at the same time it makes me feel terrible that I've put him through all this anxiety.

"Anyway," he continues, smiling again. "I'll be coming down to Earth to wrap up some loose ends at work, and I thought I'd stop by to see you, and make sure Wufei's taking proper care of you."

"Hah, you'd better not let him hear that. He'd complain about the injustice of that statement until your ears drop off!"

"Well, he won't know if you don't tell him," Quatre replies, winking. "So I'll see you next week then."

"Sure. Will Trowa be coming too?"

Something lights up in his eyes at my mention of the name. "Of course. He misses you too."

"Thanks, man. I'll look forward to you coming."

"Me too, Duo. Bye!"

"Bye!"

The smile fades from my face as soon as Quatre's image disappears. The shining radiance on his features is something I once had, but lost.

And currently, the loss is still too fresh and raw. I miss Quatre, but I don't know if really want to see him and Trowa just yet.

"Who was it?" Wufei's head pops around the kitchen doorway.

"Oh, it's Q-man. He says he's coming to visit next week. Trowa's coming too." I attempt to sound cheerful, but I can't be sure if Wufei falls for the act.

Too tired to bother, I just return to the window seat, and stare out the window.

Night has fallen, and the sky is unrelentingly black.

__

[But you can make me whole again]

***

__

[For now I have to wait

But baby if you change your mind

Don't be too late, cuz I just can't go on

It's already been too long]

I'm tossing restlessly in my bed, unable to fall into the oblivion of sleep. Something feels wrong, missing. I fling one arm out blindly, feeling the emptiness beside me, and my eyes snap open.

The reality hits me. He's gone.

I curl up into a little ball, hugging his pillow closer, inhaling his scent and trying to pretend that it's really him, instead.

Then I feel a sudden dip in the bed behind me. I freeze. Can it be?…

Warmth presses up against me all along my back down to my thighs, and a hot breath tickles the nape of my neck.

I can't help it. Warily, I half turn around, twisting my head to stare into eyes of intense cobalt and soft, slightly parted lips just a hair's breadth from mine.

"Heero… is it really you?"

"Yes, I'm sorry I left again. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Every word we exchange is an intermingling of breaths.

Then he shifts forward infinitesimally, and our lips touch. I turn completely around, my arms wrapping around his neck, and devour him like there's no tomorrow. He returns my passion with the same vengeance that sears its way down to my soul.

Finally, we break apart, gasping for oxygen. I hold him close, wanting as much contact with him as possible, savouring the sensation of skin against skin.

"You won't leave again, will you?"

"Duo…"

"You'll stay, won't you?"

He shoves me away roughly, face shuttering into expressionlessness. "Why do you have to question me like that? Why do you doubt me?"

"I don't doubt you, Heero! All I want is a promise from you, a sign of your commitment to me, to us! Can't you even give me that?"

I never see the fist flying towards me until it's too late. The force of the blow knocks me off the bed. For a few seconds, I just lie there, stunned.

Then there's a flurry of movement as he scrambles off the bed and cradles me in his arms. "Duo, are you alright?"

I shake my head to clear the daze, wincing at the pain that shoots through my temple. This time I've the one who pushes him away.

Silently, I stand up and put on my clothes.

"Duo, what do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?!" I spit the words at him as I draw my hair back and tie it loosely, not bothering to braid it.

"Duo, don't do this."

I pay him no attention, heading to the door. My hand is on the doorknob when I hear him say my name again.

"Duo!"

There's something desperate in it, hysterical, and it gives me pause.

Heero's sitting there, a gun in his hands, aimed at me.

Strangely, I feel no fear, just a weary contempt for the pathetic picture he presents. "Is that how you're getting me to stay? By threatening me? Well, just shove it, Heero. It ain't wartime anymore, you don't have the right to take another person's life."

The gun wavers for a second, then gradually, his arm retracts, pulling back, bending at the elbow, changing angle. "You're right, Duo."

A hopeless gleam enters his eyes as I watch in growing horror. "Heero, why are you doing this?"

He doesn't answer. The safety of the gun clicks off.

"No… Heero—"

He doesn't answer. The gun goes off.

He doesn't answer. His eyes just stare. 

Sightlessly.

Hopelessly.

Lifelessly.

—"Duo!" Someone's shaking me. "Duo, goddamnit! Wake up! It's just a nightmare!" I sit up abruptly, pushing against Wufei's restraining arms.

"Wufei, let me go! I gotta go to him. I have to stop him. Before it's too late!"

"Duo! Duo! Calm down!" He refuses to loosen his grip. "What are you talking about? Stop who?"

"Heero! He's going to kill himself… No, I have to get to him, I have to stop him before he does it!" Though the few rational connections in my brain circuitry scoff at me for being silly and paranoid – as if Heero would ever do something as crazy as that. Not the killing himself part – that's getting passé, actually – but that he would do it because I was going to leave him. Still, the images were so fresh, so real.

"Duo…" The tone of his voice cuts through my frenzied struggling. There's so much pain in it, grief, frustration, anger and fear. It's the something I glimpsed before, now set free of its moorings, no longer reined in by his iron control.

"What?" But I don't really want to know the answer. I can feel the dread mounting within me, rising like bile to choke me, suffocating so I can't breathe.

"Duo, Heero's dead."

"No, that can't be." I just saw him the other day when I went out.

"Duo, listen to me." He holds my face and forces me to look at him. "Heero went insane. It was the after-effects of the Zero System. He started abusing you, badly, but you didn't want to leave him, believing you could handle it, get him to change. Until once, you ended up in hospital, nearly dead. We, Quatre, Trowa, and I, tried to talk to him, but nothing touched him." 

I want to shake my head, close my eyes, anything to express some of the denial that I feel. But Wufei's hands are like metal clamps and his dark sorrowful gaze holds mine fast. "When you woke up from your coma, you agreed to our decision to admit him to a mental institution. He managed to escape and went back to your apartment." I don't want to hear the words. Each one is like a death knell ringing in my ears. 

"He shot himself in front of you."

I don't want to believe it. But the dam has cracked, and the memories flood through. Vision after vision, assaulting me, cramming into my mind. 

Those lifeless, hopeless, sightless eyes.

"No…"

I fall back upon the covers and start laughing.

__

[But you could make me whole again]

owari


End file.
